There are countless things that can cause someone to file for divorce. Though movies and television shows are often filled with breakups triggered by torrid extramarital affairs, reality is often much less dramatic. As a psychotherapist who frequently works with struggling couples, Oona Metz has found that resentment often starts with something seemingly mundane, such as the division of household responsibilities. Conflicts over planning and chores usually increase once spouses have children.
According to Metz, women’s workforce participation and earning power have advanced over the past several decades, but men’s participation in the home has not kept pace. This might be part of the reason that wives are the ones filing for divorce approximately 70 percent of the time. Metz identifies three types of husbands that exemplify the imbalance in household responsibilities:
- The Throwback — Though times have changed, and many wives now earn substantial income outside the home, certain husbands still avoid making meaningful contributions within the household. Even in cases where women don’t have jobs, transporting children, volunteer activities and other daily tasks can make it burdensome to handle all of the domestic duties alone.
- The High-Profile Helper — Many men do acknowledge that their working wives deserve some help. In some marriages, a husband will take on one or two prominent things that they enjoy, such as sports coaching or an outdoor chore, and assume that they’ve done their part. This overlooks the many hidden physical and mental tasks associated with caring for a home and children. The mental burden of planning, coordinating and follow-through is sometimes referred to as the “mother load.”
- The Assistant — “Just tell me what to do,” is what some husbands say to their wives. This offer can be helpful, but it still leaves the woman with the responsibility for deciding what needs to be done, explaining the process and checking to see if the task is done correctly. Metz says that these situations often lead to instances of “weaponized incompetence,” where a wife becomes so frustrated with her husband’s inability to handle the chore properly that she just does it herself.
There are ways to fix household imbalances if both spouses are truly committed to improving the situation. But if it seems like the marital relationship is irreparable, it might be time to make a change. Bryan L. Salamone & Associates, P.C. offers Long Island residents a smarter way to divorce that minimizes conflict and cost. To make an appointment with an accomplished New York family lawyer, please call 631-388-6009 or contact us online.